“Incomplete and Insecure.”

“Walking out lonely has worked like a charm; I’m the only one I have to let down…
I can go on with my insecure nature.
I can keep living on sympathy.”

-The Avett Brothers

I’m not quite sure how to put into words what I’m feeling at this point, but if I don’t try, I just might explode… so here goes.

It’s so easy to put up a wall and not think about it. It gets stronger and stronger, and before you know it… nothing can break it down. Letting anyone in becomes this impossible feat, but we don’t know anything else, so it seems perfectly normal. But we know something is wrong. Very wrong. We shouldn’t be thinking like this. Anxiety shouldn’t overtake every fiber of our being. Everyone doesn’t think like this. Everyone doesn’t have this inner turmoil at every moment of the day. How do we make it stop?

We can surround ourselves with people, yet still be so utterly alone. Pick the right friends, and you’ll have people there, but it doesn’t cut it all the time. You can be “invited” along on their outings, but you never really fit in. Those common interests aren’t there; you’re an acquaintance, and that’s all you’ll ever be. That’s how we get to the point where we’re surrounded, yet alone. And that cycle is so difficult to break… what we’re feeling can be paralyzing.

Goodness, I don’t know how to even attempt to put into words how much I feel this way at every moment. I sound like some emo kid, but, really, I’m not. I can just put on a really good front so nobody thinks about what’s in my head; they’d never dream I could even like this. I’ve become excellent at being invisible; with my friends, though, it’s easy to be. I can be passed over so quickly you wouldn’t even see it happen. When I don’t measure up to them in any way, how can it be any different? Why would people pay any attention to me when there are all these interesting and dynamic people around me? Exactly, there’s not really a point. I get a lot of sympathy and pity, I think, it just isn’t overt… people don’t want you to know when their doing that.

Hmph.

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~ by jenniferlynnewilliams on September 11, 2010.

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